11 Life Hacks From Shem The Pen
1) Take a $20 bill. Rip it in half. Now rip a $10. Tape them together and you've got a $15 bill!
2) Don't ever vote. All the candidates are either A) reptilian or B) lying scoundrels. Neither care a whit whether you live or die. Also, voting will engender an unhealthy psychological relationship with the state. Do your own thing, in your own time.
3) Most Uber drivers are reptilian. Tip them with trail mix, corn meal, or small rodents.
4) When you're dying, be sure to follow the light on the left. That leads to afterlife administration. The one on the right just circles around to Passaic, NJ.
5) Recycle ashtrays of cigarette butts to brew tea. Experts say that 'butt tea' is full of antioxidants and betametacarbines.
6) Not all sewer clowns are bad people. They're just getting some bad press right now.
7) Friendship is overrated. Stick to business associates and freaky sex partners.
8) If you're on death row, go with Chinese food as a last meal. You don't have to worry about getting hungry again later.
9) If you're gonna do graffiti, be legible. Nobody can read that bubble writing shit.
10) If you're trying to save money, stop buying things.
11) If you ever get access to a time machine, go back and stop REM from doing "Shiny Happy People." By any means necessary.