Steelers Upset Chiefs, Big Ben Exits Game to Poop
Thanks to an Antonio Brown circus catch and an unyielding Steelers defense, the Chiefs lost their first game of the the 2017 season to Pittsburgh. The second half of the game was full of drama on the field, but it was some sideline drama which caught the attention of this reporter.
Late in the game, Steeler Nation held it's collective breathe as Ben Roethlisberger was seen entering the injury tent on the sidelines.
The injury tent is a new addition to NFL sidelines which allows for players to receive medical attention right on the field without the prying eyes of fans to gawk at injuries. So far this season, if someone has been seen entering a tent, it is really not a good sign, so you can imagine the concern of Pittsburgh fans who wanted to see their Steelers pull out the big win.
Turns out, everything was okay, as announcers (I was watching NFL RedZone) notified fans later that Ben, "had to use the bathroom". While most fans across Pittsburgh probably exhaled with a giant sigh of relief, personally, I was left with more questions than answers.
First and foremost, why did Ben go to the injury tent if he had to pinch a loaf? Do members of team medical staff need to be informed before Ben can relieve himself of what I'm guessing is the aftermath of a high-calorie meal? Was he experiencing cramps and thought perhaps there would be some Pepto readily available for him within the tent? I mean, what reason could there possibly be for Ben to go into the tent before dropping a fucking log?
Suddenly, amid all these questions, realization dawned on me and my arms broke out in goosebumps as my blood ran cold. The answer was there, right in front of my face all along.
There has to be a shit bucket in the tents.
If you think about it, it does make sense. Why should a player have to duck-walk all the way back to the locker room as they struggle to keep their cheeks together before releasing a hurricane of Hershey explosion all over their authentic NFL gear? Shit bucket means quick access, which means clean uniforms, which means satisfied ticket-holders. That's a crystal clear line of thought, and I challenge anyone to refute it.
With that mystery solved however, a new question emerged: Is the medical staff in the tent with Roethlisberger as he performs his necessary deed? We can all only speculate on that, but let's all hope that nobody has to be put through the agony of watching Big Ben give birth to a food baby which was almost certainly conceived in a Primanti Brothers.
Anyhoo, great win by the Steelers.