Top 5 NFL Dream Pick-Ups Which Could Work Better than Jimmy G in San Fran
We have been hearing the hype for quite a while when it comes to Jimmy Garoppolo. Last year, word was that Satan's favorite coach, Bill Belichick would be willing to part with the future of his franchise for a first-round pick, but now he has allowed the struggling 49ers of San Francisco to pick up Jimmy Dreamboat for a mere 2nd rounder.
Sound too good to be true for a quarterback whose hype makes it sound like San Fran could be returning to the days of Joe Cool? That's because it is too good to be true, and Belichick knows exactly what he's letting go of. Have we all forgotten that one time Matt Cassel played for the Patriots in place of an injured Tom Brady and looked like he was going to finish his career as an all-time great? That didn't quite work out did it?
As much as Belichick and the wizardry he performs up there in New England annoy me, there is no denying that the man knows his football and would never let go of someone who he thought could help his team. Brady has said he doesn't think he will retire any time soon, but what if an injury were to spell an end to his career next week? Billy Cheeks has thought all of this over already, and he would never have let go of Jimmy G if the kid was worth a damn. Certainly not for only a second-rounder.
So instead of feeling disgust at the optimism of such naive football fans, I put on my thinking cap - what athletes, in a dreamlike world where only talent is a factor (think of a Neverland where health, booze, drugs and partying doesn't hamper your on-field play), could you potentially have more trust in than Garaps? Does your phone have dream sequence app on it? Queue it up and let's look at these outsiders of the tundra:
LeBron James to the Cleveland Browns as TE
We have all heard about this idea a number of times, but it's always with LeBron showing up in the NFL ready to lead the Browns at quarterback. That idea is ridiculous, not only because LeBron would have no fucking idea what he was doing out there, but also because you would be wasting his size and athleticism. What really makes sense is to have LeBron come in as a tight end. Could you imagine him in a jump ball situation with absolutely ANY defender in the NFL? There would be no chance of stopping him, and he could be the kind of TE that Gronk has turned out to be.
Johnny Manziel to the Jacksonville Jaguars
The above "party, booze and drugs" caveat was made mostly for this particular choice - Jags look like a team ready to take over the NFL for years to come, but they have one major problem on their hands: Blake Bortles is not looking like the guy. His inconsistent play has absolutely hurt Jacksonville, and when he isn't making boneheaded decisions, the team has shown that they don't trust him enough to allow him to make many pass attempts downfield. There have been rumors about the Jags cutting bait with Bortles and maybe they really should trade him for some draft value while they have the chance. Who to put in his place, you ask? Why not give Johnny Football a try? Yes, he's a piece of shit off the field, and yes, he seems more interested in partying than he does in cementing an NFL legacy, but there is no denying his talent. If the Jags are willing to take a chance on him for the remainder of the year and try to get some veterans around him to keep him on the straight and narrow, his football skills could still have a major impact on a team on the cusp of greatness. If he doesn't work out, go to the 2018 NFL Draft for your next QB or pick up a proven vet like Kirk Cousins.
Brock Lesnar to the Dallas Cowboys
Stephen Paea surprised the NFL and especially the Dallas Cowboys after retiring earlier this month due to injuries. The Cowboys picked up the defensive tackle this offseason hoping that he could add a veteran presence to their young defensive line. While that hope may have disappeared, there could be some fun to be had in the form of former NFL DT, WWE Champion, and UFC phenomenon, Brock Lesnar. He tried playing for the Vikings back in 2004, but was hampered by a groin injury, leading to his ultimate release from the team. Now that Lesnar has gone on to pick up some moves and mobility from his time in UFC, it is not unreasonable to think that he could fill the void on a Dallas team which is clearly on the upswing. Just imagining him F-5ing the showboat out of ODB would be worth the novelty.
Terrell Owens to the Buffalo Bills as TE
T.O. is still a monster. If you haven't seen the unbelievable shape he has kept himself in over the years, you are missing out on a physical marvel. While Owens may not have retained the speed he once had, he almost certainly has retained his ball skills and his hops. Listening to a Bill Burr podcast recently, the comedian said a few years ago saw T.O. literally jump over another man in order to get to third base in a softball tournament. I think Owens has a little left in the tank, and the Bills would be wise to at least work him out.
Usain Bolt to the Chicago Bears as WR/KR/PR
Usain Bolt may be finished with his track career, but that doesn't mean he has to be done with pro sports. His speed is absolutely unparalleled and he could easily be a featured wide receiver, kick returner and punt returner in the NFL. Anybody remember "Bullet Bob" Hayes? At one point he was the fastest man in the world, winning Olympic Gold in 1964 before going on to be a Hall of Fame wide receiver with my Dallas Cowboys. Bolt could add a straight-up terrifying presence on the field, and for the Bears, he would add a dangerous target for their young quarterback.