Sad Single Guy Recipes: After Christmas Oatmeal
Hey everyone! Did you all enjoy your Christmas, Hannakuh, holidays or whatever politically correct designation I should now make note of saying in hopes we don't offend anyone? I was too worried about writing that previous sentence to enjoy mine, but there's the life of a recipe blogger. Goodness, now that that's over we can get on with this business of living and sharing good food stories. And boy (or girl - girl too, ohhh God, this is a slippery slope) do I have a few!
Twice I had Christmas ham, along with Kiebalsi, sauerkraut a plethora of cookies, some egg nog, and a couple of laughs with family members. We even rented a live reindeer named Marcel to join the festivities. I was locked outside for the majority of my visit to help with the handling and care of Marcel, who I was told had a touch of the reindeer glaucoma, which made it understandable why his handler, Scary Steve, must've been so silent. Initially, I found his thousand mile stare a bit peculiar, but he seemed to lighten up after I began singing Christmas Carols to pass the time (I think my rendition of "Silver Bells" is what got him). He then showed me his assortment of vibrant Christmas treats and his collection of serrated blades to lift my spirit and put my fear of the unknown at ease (especially after I sampled these neat Santa tabs that he so generously offered). It almost felt like I was in some sort of magical Christmas land as I could swear that Marcel began singing along with us (and he had the velvet voice of Nat King Cole to boot! "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" indeed!) I was so elated that I can't tell you if was the magic of Steve's old silk hat he found, but Marcel in his full Nate Cole timber took a moment after the second verse to turn his head and say "I may be blind, Dominic, but it doesn't take eyes to see that you are the fucking lizard king. Climb the cacao mountain." Suddenly as quick as Santa slides down the chimney, I found myself shouting like an enlightened Ebeneezer Scrooge that exact same thing to my family, disrobed of all my clothing and covered in what I think to be powdered sugar in the middle of our dining room. I never got to thank ol' blind Marcel and Scary Steve as they were long gone when the police arrived at 2:34 a.m., but I hope they know how grateful I was for them getting me back inside with my loved ones.
But onto the recipe! Many of you may feel let down and guilty that you had so many cookies, treats and Santa tabs, but I have a healthy follow-up that's still warm and sweet as your grandma's hot cocoa: inspired by Marcel's parting words - chocolate and peanut butter oatmeal!
Single Guy "After Christmas" Oatmeal
PREPARATION TIME: 4 Minutes
- 1 half cup of quick oats (make sure it's whole grain to avoid any chemicals. I heard the Quaker Oat people are notorious for such tampering)
- 1 glass of water (or eight more if you haven't had you're daily quota of H20! Do not add eight glasses of water to the oatmeal, I was just making a hydration joke)
- 1 spoon
- 1 bowl (plates won't work, haha! HAHA!)
- A handful of Nestle Semi-Sweet Chocolate chips (or feel free to go the full dark chocolate route, you mysterious rogue)
- One tablespoon of JIF Natural Peanut Butter (I have this JIF jingle on my iPod Nano!)
- Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" (optional, but think of Marcel)
First, pour your oats into the bowl like so:
Good. Next, pour in your water and the following is up to your discretion, but if you're feeling a bit wild, add in your chocolate chips BEFORE you put it in the microwave. I have to admit, I was feeling wild:
Okay, off we go to the microwave. I'm a little sad I didn't get visit my old friend the stove this time around as he (or she) is always trying to tempt me to linger near, but using radiation is the quickest way to enjoy a filling breakfast. Have your microwave on high and set it for two minutes and hit "START". Stay off to the side so you don't harm your future children and then after a minute, open the door and give it a good stir, otherwise it'll come boiling up like "a-bubblin' crude."
"Oatmeal that is! Christmas feed!" The Beverly Hillbillies was such a classic. Did you know: Buddy Ebson aka: Jed Clampett, was originally supposed to play the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz, but he got lead poisoning from the silver paint and couldn't take the role? Just imagine what might have been. Don't worry, there's no lead-based paint in this recipe!
Sorry, I've been alone for almost a full 24 hours now. Wait another minute or so to not sear your fingertips (unless the burn makes you feel alive, of course) and then pull out that bowl of goodness. Finally, grab a heaping spoonful of our good buddy peanut butter and stir it in until you have a protein packed bowl of power.
There ya go. Just have a bite of that and let it's warm sweetness melt all those feelings of confinement away. It didn't quite for me, but luckily I just happened to find two Santa tabs taped within my mittens along with what looks to be a rotted tooth in an old prophylactic. Scary Steve did seem to have a love for the theatrics. Until next time, fellow bachelors!