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The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

Four Things You Can Do Besides Watch The Walking Dead

Four Things You Can Do Besides Watch The Walking Dead

If you didn't see last week, I broke off my eight year relationship with AMC's once worthwhile hit, The Walking Dead. What used to be a complete ratings juggernaut is now a much smaller ratings juggernaut due to some reasons I listed in the last post (as well as AMC's zombie-like need to heavily commercialize and oddly distort it's characters and story lines).

Well despite that freedom I bestowed upon myself, there still is a void that remains. A happier, potentially more productive void, but a void nonetheless. What should one do in supplementing the need for leisure? Can I still get my fix of despairing for the future in some other form of entertainment or recreation? Why yes, fellow quitter, I can and you can too with these four suggestions of release. Go on, be free!


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1. Start On A Better Show For Starters

There's a lot of other television shows out there. Lots. Maybe not of the flesh-eating, get your head bashed in with a barbed wire baseball bat sort, but a lot of good television has been made oh, I don't know, over the last 50 years or so. Like The Mary Tyler Moore Show, for instance: a young, free-spirited, single debutante in Minneapolis looking to make her way in the hustle and bustle of the local news station where she deals with the likes of Ed Asner (yes, the old guy from Up), Betty White and Judge Smails ("how bout a Fresca?").

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Sure, it may be a little dated, but the characters are way more fun and the intro is ten times more optimistic than that dumb "Bill Murray In Kingpin" looking walker that we've seen stumbling through the wheat field for the past five years.

"I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

"I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

You couldn't see Carl throwing that rank ass, probably lice-ridden sheriff hat in the air can you? Hell no! There's not enough optimism for an impulsive lid throw of elation (plus he only has one eye so his depth perception might be a tad off). Just do a complete 180 and fire up some MTM.


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2. Watch The News

Obviously not for educational purposes (that's ludicrous!), but if you want to be really scared and frightened for the future of our humanity than what better place to go than to see through the lens of a station that leans to your way of viewing things? If you're right or left, forward or backward, up or down, there will be the perfect station for you to get yourself all in a tizzy by seeing actual brain dead people take over the world. Which leads us to...


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3. Prepare Yourself For An Actual Zombie Apocalypse

With all the mouth breathers out there already, it's only a matter of time until one of them eats a bad McGriddle (is there such a thing? You could drop one in gravel by a dumpster and I'd still take a shot), shit goes awry and they start feasting on your forward-thinking noggin. Time to freeze dry those strawberries and get some war paint! You don't want to be caught in a situation where the teleprompter went out on "Wake Up & Smile", do you? Remember that panic?

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See what happens? Mass hysteria AND we lose David Alan Grier! Just load up on the necessities, hunker down with your favorite book (I hear that George R.R. Martin is a staunch completest) and get ready to perish with your fellow man.


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4. Take An Actual Walk While Listening To "The Dead"

The Grateful Dead that is if you're an incredibly dense person! (If you happened to be, avoid those McGriddles for our sake.) Remember walks and going on them? Something we did beforethose silly phones and iPads? Toss in some earbuds and take a stroll down "The Golden Road", but be sure to "watch your speed" as you listen to some "Casey Jones", "Sugar Magnolia" & "China Cat Sunflower". Jerry, Bob and the gang will be sure to soothe any of those jangled nerves from watching such a soul-sucking show which you committed 120 hours of your life to.  Go on, screw all those stupid plot twists to nothing and pump up those sneakers for a satisfying hike down to "Shakedown Street". Also, wear your best Jerry Garcis tie.

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