From The Junkyard: TV Sitcoms' Biggest Man-Whores
Meet Mick Francis. Once known as "The Plum Puncher" for his checkered past as all-star tailback at Plum Area High, Mick now has exchanged his cleats and varsity jacket to don a fine pair sweatpants and faded Pitt jersey to run local junkyard out in Blawnox. Computers are not his specialty, but television and sports are, so The Keystone Statement sits down with Mick in front of his Gateway 2000 to help gather his thoughts in digital form. Mick insists we don't sugarcoat anything, and quite frankly, neither do we.
So without further ado here are "TV Sitcom's Biggest Man-Whores".
Michael Kelso – That 70's Show
Although Kelso doesn’t have the total numbers some of the other characters on the list do, his quality of ass is far superior than most. If others are just hitting singles and drawing walks, Kelso is slugging about .800. In the decade the show took place Michael Kelso messed around with characters portrayed by Mila Kunis, Shannon Elizabeth and Jessica Simpson. That is like having Willie Mays, Mickey Mantle, and Hank Aaron in your lineup. Plus, he hooked up with his friend’s hot sister, which I know 90% of high school boys dream about. That is like adding a solid fielder who can hit for average. With an all-star lineup like this we can all agree Kelso accumulated a lot of RBIs, if you know what I mean.
Barney Stinson – How I Met Your Mother
With the infamous playbook and a seemingly endless supply of funds and resources Barney Stinson is like a modern day man-whoring Batman. Some of the all time great plays are:
· “It’s the one year anniversary of my wife’s death” – pretty self explanatory
· “I’m Brian’s friend” – because every chick knows a Brian
· “I’m joining the Marines” – gets Patriotic chicks
The sexual swindlers exploits even garnered the attention of famed Jim Nantz to recap his perfect week. Its tough to imagine anyone else on this list with a totals more then Barney, and with Wilt Chamberlain like numbers its safe to say he’s had more muff than an Eskimo’s ears.
Cosmo Kramer – Seinfeld
In the Seinfeld series there were a lot of hot women. Some before they made it as big stars, but mostly all of them dated the lead and creator Jerry Seinfeld. While this list respects Jerry’s nine years of sexual conquests, there is one thing he didn’t have: "The Kavorka". Armed with the animal like power that attracts a person, women who came in contact with Cosmo had no chance. He dissuaded a nun from taking her vows, converted a life long lesbian, and even got Uma Thurman’s number. One art collector referred to Kramer’s portrait as, “A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges.” With all this evidence there is no denying that Kramer was the Assman.
Fonzie – Happy Days
In Milwaukee in the 1950’s Arthur Fonzarelli was the epitome of cool, and because of that coolness The Fonz slayed a lot of pussy. In front of the group all he needed to catch a lady''s attention was a snap of his fingers but behind the scenes Fonzie probably used the line “sit on it” quite a bit. This list imagines the Fonz punching the condom machine in the bathroom at Arnold's. Actually after second thought, Fonzie was cool - he didn’t wrap it up. After all, Fonzie wore leather jackets, not rubber rain coats.
Sam Malone - Cheers
Being a former Red Sox pitcher, it is probably rather easy to get your dick wet in Boston, but back in the 1980s Sam Malone did it with his charm and good looks. The bartender loved the chase and detailed the information of every slam piece in his little black book. Sammy’s sexual escapades were often given as great fodder for his adoring clientele. His critics would say he preyed on dimwitted gullible hotties, while striking out with more intellectual women. But as far as this list is concerned, Sam Malone has handled more clams than a Boston longshoreman.
Joey Tribbiani – Friends
Joey Tribbiani loved two things, sandwiches and sowing his seed. He is the lovable, big-hearted, dim-witted, vagina-loving Friend we all wish we had. Ironically enough, being the groups most notorious philanderer, he is the only male in the group not to go balls deep on another star of the cast. Oddly, even without adding the "with benefits" with his female friends from across the hall Joey is in fact Eskimo brothers with his two best friends Ross and Chandler. Ross enjoyed Joey's sloppy seconds when he went out with the hot Aisha Tyler. And Chandler put to moves on Joeys girlfriend Kathy behind his back giving Chandler the most apropos punishment in sitcom history.... Chandler spending Thanksgiving in a box for stealing Joey's box.
Charlie Harper – Two And A Half Men
No character on this list is personifies their real life persona than Charlie on Two & A Half Men. With Charlie Harper and Charlie Sheen both embodying the quintessential philandering wealthy douche bag it is tough to pinpoint where Charlie stops, and Charlie begins. TV Charlie, with a network filter, had hot chick after hot chick in his bed. Real life Charlie had live in porn stars and married really fucking hot chicks. Lets just say Charlie has had some top-notch strange. Whether you speaking about Charlie the actor or Charlie the TV character it is safe to say he has plowed more beaver than a reckless riverboat captain. And for that, he is winning.
Jack Tripper – Three’s Company
Jack Tripper lived in Santa Monica, CA with two pretty hot laaadddieesss. With the Regal Beagle, a true whore honey hole, just down the street and an all time great sleazy wingman, Larry, at his side one could say he was living the dream. The only hang up he had was to make his landlord think he was swinging from the other side of the plate. Mr. Roper must have been naive, because trust the list, Jack Tripper saw more box than the Memphis FedEx shipping hub.
Jack McFarland – Will and Grace
Hey, man-whores aren’t pigeon-holed to just vagina. They could like wieners too, and that is what Jack McFarland preferred. The proof is here, who doesn't like receiving a big package?
Heralded as one TV's first ever openly gay leads Jack was a confident gay man who went through jobs and men faster than Cher could turn out Billboard hits.
Gordon Shumway – ALF
It is not known if the alien from Melmac had a lot of sex but he did eat his fair share of pussy.
Every Male Soap Opera Actor Ever
No explanation needed.
Kelly Bundy – Married...With Children
I know, she’s not a guy. But Married...With Children is an all time great sitcom. Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) was arguably the hottest smoke-show of the early nineties and had a just as, if not more so, of an impressive resume of promiscuity as some of the male winners in this list. For that, we give her an honorable mention.
The Men of Mad Men – Mad Men
Don Draper, Roger Sterling, Pete Campbell, etc. certainly qualify for the sexual degeneracy part of the list, they however are not a on a sitcom. Had they banged everything that had a pussy in Manhattan in front live studio audience perhaps but as far as this list is concerned they can only get an honorable mention fist bump for living out what most men could only fantasize about.