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Live Commentary of Pens vs. Sens Game 3 (With Fun Links + Pierre McGuire Hate)

Live Commentary of Pens vs. Sens Game 3 (With Fun Links + Pierre McGuire Hate)

1ST PERIOD

Legit question after hearing Ottawa’s PA announcer: does Sidney Crosby know French? Do the Nova Scotians not like the French? I've got to get better with particulars

Head on, Erik Karlsson looks like the offspring of David Grohl and a musketeer.

Sloppy goal, Sens.

Over/under we get a Scott Stevens reference by the halfway point in the second period by Pierre McGuire? Seriously, the Paul Shaffer of hockey is awful.

Viktor Stalberg makes me think of actor Michael Stuhlbarg who in turn makes me think of missing Fargo tonight.

Wideman’s really big on the slap shots.

The Ottawa XXV logo in center ice is so 1990s Superbowl era.

Hoffman trying his best Roddy Piper on Malkin with that sleeper hold.

Malkin has had quite enough of Dion Phaneuf, but Pierre McGuire has not (Eskimo kiss may go down)

Sloppy goal #2. Ian Cole is now a Senator.

Immediately followed by a not so sloppy goal #3.

Fuck me. Goal #4 gave me shell-shock of brutally losing in NHL 09 to wraparound goals.

Fargo might be two unanswered scores away from being watched tonight.

Yeah, Pierre. The Sens might wanna stop being aggressive for the rest of regulation. How didn't Guy B. not spit in your face?

Ottawa’s has some good ad game on the boards. Little Caesar's, Gatorade Frost (which I didn’t know was still relevant enough to get board space), Tim Horton's, Popeye’s hocking something, hell, Heinz 57 even made the trip up north.

Pierre says the boards don’t bend in Ottawa. Dipshit, they don’t bend anywhere. (This is not sour grapes, I swear.)

End of period.


SWITCH TO PIRATES GAME: BOTTOM OF THE 6TH VS. NATIONALS

Cervelli gets walked and we get a Dusty Baker sighting, still rocking the toothpick. I can’t keep orderly track of his skipper history. My guess: Giants, Cubs, Reds, Nationals? (After the fact: I promise you I did not look it up - how do I remember this but then lock myself in a stairwell without keys?)

Nas is in a Hennessy ad?

Josh Bell has luscious dreads and leads the team with eight home runs. There should be at least three other Pirates doing that before him.

Mike Millbury would make a half-decent Walter Matthau impersonator. Grumpy Old Man and has the hairdo down pat.


2ND PERIOD

Not feeling good, but hey, let’s shower the people you love with love.

Ottawa knows their own rink according to Pierre McGuire. Jam up work.

Guentzel with a strong attempt on Anderson but Craig's on lockdown.

Crosby off to the locker room followed by a trainer, but comes back on the ice.

Daley gets smashed again against the boards. He’s like O.J.’s Nordberg in the Naked Gun series.

Malkin’s a loose cannon when frustrated. Total bull in a china shop.

The problem with that breakaway is that Carter Rowney was on it, who I didn’t know existed on earth until tonight.

Pierre’s trying to kick up a goalie controversy which is just Ludacris (I spelled it "Hot-lanta" style to keep the optimism).

Pierre: “Ottawa’s not just beating Penguins in the face-off, they’re demolishing them.” Okay, so...they're beating them.

Something’s up with the ice. I’m calling an underground Lazarus Pit (somewhat obscure Batman reference - slack is needed as I’m typing these at the speed of thought)


QUICK CHANGE TO PIRATES GAME: BOTTOM OF THE 7TH, 5-1 PIRATES

Every time we change it back, Cervelli’s up and he’s in a potential walk situation. Whoop, That’s Amore, sacrifice fly. 6-1


BACK TO HOCKEY GAME (STILL 2ND PERIOD)

Nothing happens which takes us into an IBM commercial that tries to act witty but isn’t (kind of like these live comments).

If you’re motivated to buy any type of automobile because Vin Diesel influenced then you shouldn’t be allowed to operate said vehicle.

Malkin and Phaneuf still getting scrappy and two penalties would have been nice on that tilt.

Streit’s just shooting without abandonment.

With under three minutes left, the Pens on defense embodies the role of “way too drunk girl at party that can’t walk on heels”.

Aaand “drunk girl at party on heels” totally smashed her face off the bathroom floor with goal #5, which goal also gave me the aforementioned NHL 09 shell-shock. Does the salt to wound never end?

The wheels are coming off, but I’m loving the 'tude being copped. When you’re down 5-0, let the degeneracy flow.

Pirates of the Caribbean looks awful. I know I saw one of them in theaters and do not want to set sea on that ship of fools ever again.

Can we get “down by five goals” Malkin to beat the shit out of the new Verizon guy?

I had no idea that the hockey legends were spelling their last names out in the Stanley Cup commercial. Present day Bobby Hull looks like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

End of period.


BACK TO BUCCO GAME: TOP OF THE 9TH, 6-1, PIRATES

Jayson Werthless is still happening and still homeless? Make those bucks you’re so far from earning, I guess.

I would never want Steve Blass and Pierre McGuire mic’d up in a room together.  Sounds like a stage in hell.

Even though we’re winning the ballgame, the Pirate Parrot still looks depressed.

Daniel Murphy is Josh Hamilton if he was trapped in a cartoon sauna for far too long (meaning he looks smaller - shit, I’m trying here)

Buccos win. RTJR.


3RD PERIOD

Scott Wilson is also the name of the actor who played Herschel on The Walking Dead. This Scott Wilson would at least survive past The Governor.

Pens are just gunning for faces now.

Crosby just wide open in directly in front of the net. Having his body interfere with puck trajectory may not be the best strategy for goal stoppage.

Has to be satisfying to paw down a puck out of the air. It would be like spitting out your gum and successfully batting it down Mr. Perfect style.

A friend brought over pea milk and it’s a smash hit among us. Four dudes just drinking pea milk, ironically listening to Daft Punk and watching the Penguins lose on a Wednesday night.

Would Fleury look better without the soul patch? Gotta say, I’m a soul patch supporter under the right circumstances. Particularly if you're in a 90's alternative band or you're Jeff Goldblum.

Guentzel sitting form in the penalty comes across as very unnatural

To my surprise, that Methot finger clip didn’t give me the willies (not pretty), but it did make me think of horrific compound fractures, which then gave me the willies. And those vintage Senators uniforms are pretty fly.

Our game focus has totally gone off the rails. We’re talking about creamsicles and assorted goods off the ice cream truck.

Ah, never mind, the Chiefs-esque skirmish caught our attention again - along with the Taylor Swift song which is really out of place in a hockey environment.

Malkin is booted from the game for a 10-minute misconduct.

Keystone Cast compatriot Zack leaves the viewing area with 50 seconds left - total fly by night fan. I still have one more goal until switching to Fargo.

Flo The Progressive Lady has stood the test of time. She went from minor role in Mad Men to true warrior princess of the commercial world. I’d say their Robot Chicken strategy was a savvy move


FINAL SCORE: 1-5, SENATORS

PIERRE MCGUIRE SUCKS BUT PEA MILK DOES NOT

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LaVar Ball Is The Trump Of Basketball

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