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The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

Clarion University Is Now Forever Apart Of A WWE Storyline

Clarion University Is Now Forever Apart Of A WWE Storyline

Don't you dare tell me wrestling is fake. I don't want to hear it. Not this week. This gift here is like catching Santa Claus in the act of dropping you off the Sega Genesis you didn't think you were going to get, then him catching you catching him in the act and he acknowledges your presence with a wink and a finger gun point.

The simple fact that I graduated from the same college as Kurt Angle was already one of the biggest feathers in my collegiate cap (to say I didn't apply to the school for that solitary reason may in fact be untrue), but to actually incorporate my Clarion Golden Eagles into an on-air professional wrestling storyline (one of fruitful, Olympic Gold Medalist passionate lovemaking nonetheless)  is a tale that will be told for generations to come.

 "Oh I made babies at Clarion. It's true, it's true."

"Oh I made babies at Clarion. It's true, it's true."

Jason Jordan, WWE professional wrestler and one half of beleaguered tag team American Alpha, was conceived on the hallowed campus of a small state school in the sleepy town of Clarion, Pennsylvania, but the story doesn't end just there, no. Absolutely not. Questions certainly follow such claims! Perhaps the biggest one of all for anyone who donned a blue and gold sweatshirt as they shoved down a slice of Vinny's Pizza or an Eddie Dog is this: where exactly could he have been conceived?

 Cue the "Unsolved Mysteries" theme and Robert Stack voice-over.

Cue the "Unsolved Mysteries" theme and Robert Stack voice-over.

Rest assured this question will become something of great legend in itself. Could it have been on one of the two non-air-conditioned basketball courts of Waldo S. Tippin Gymnasium? Perhaps after Kurt enjoyed a fine meal among friends at Chandler Dining Hall? Certainly he'd have enough class to not commiserate in such canoodling in the bathroom stalls of one Captain Loomis Inn. Heark! Don't say it may have been on the second floor of Wilkinson Hall, where I myself spent my Clarion youth, sharing in such joys and happiness as Halo playing, pillow talk with friends and watching degeneracy unfold around me?

Well let's put a few of the puzzle pieces together here: Jason Jordan was born on September 28, 1988, putting his great swim around the time of late December, early January. Kurt Angle was a junior in 1991, making his freshman year just around that time, therefore knocking my Captain Loomis fears out of the running (that place is an hedonistic dump). After all, Kurt's an All-American athlete - it would be ridiculous to think he'd engage in such illegal affairs like getting a fake I.D. 

So what do most freshman do in their first year of college? Stay in the dorms and Clarion had a total of five that were male occupied: Nair, Wilkinson, and Campbell were all co-ed, while Ballentine & Ralston were dude only dorms. Now there's no way in hell a Division 1 athlete would limit himself to a year-long, nonstop sausage fest, so that rules them out. I will also scratch Campbell Hall off this list as well because in 2005 it was shut down for a real bad asbestos situation. You can't breed WWE superstars with asbestos coating your Olympic lungs, so bam. That's also out. Leaving it down to Nair & Wilkinson, giving his chances of flying into the conception vortex a solid 50% shot that it happened in Wilkinson, my dorm of living. I'll even tip the scales a bit into my favor as Wilkinson is closer to Sheetz, Pizza Pub, the (now burned down) Clarion Bowl Arena and Izzi's Restaurant (famous for it's Thursday night wings - I got a platter of canned peaches there once, not kidding), all hot spots for collegiate athletes.

One thing is for certain though, our Raw GM acquired some of his acting chops at Marwick-Boyd Auditorium because damn! Kurt goes in for the patented "dad loves you" hug like Jason actually does have that Angle blood flowing through him. The double cheek kiss was also a savvy touch.

However, leave it to Kevin Dunn & WWE's team of producers to almost ruin such a moment by throwing in this dork's reaction shot, who looks like he huffed a little too much of Jack Nicholson Joker's laughing gas. There's no way he wasn't trolling the production shot so he could get a little air time:

 Awfully played, sir.

Awfully played, sir.

But nothing will take this away from us, fellow Clarionites. Nothing. We've not only produced one of the greatest amateur and professional wrestlers to ever walk this planet, but our campus was the home of Kurt's very own production.

Fly, Eagles, fly.

Buc'n Vote: Will Marte Get Booed Tonight?

Buc'n Vote: Will Marte Get Booed Tonight?

In Honor of GoT, Here's A Hilarious Bad Lip Reading

In Honor of GoT, Here's A Hilarious Bad Lip Reading