An Objective List Of Things You’ll Hate About The Capitals

An Objective List Of Things You’ll Hate About The Capitals

Hi folks I’m back. The head honchos and shareholders over at the Keystone Statement were all very pleased with my totally objective list of things to hate about Columbus (boy was I happily wrong about Bobrovsky) that they invited me back to take an equally objective look at the Capitals series. So here we find ourselves again; Spring time, playoffs, our intended starting goalie is injured, and we’re facing the President’s trophy winning Capitals in the second round. That scenario played out pretty well for us last time. Unless you were born in the last 12 months you probably don’t need any reminders as to why you should hate the Capitals, but in case you were (also very impressive, internet baby) here’s a quick list of what you’ll hate about the Pens/Caps second round series.


holtby

5. Braden Holtby

Braden Holtby will be the second Vezina candidate the Pens face this postseason and the first one who sounds like a cartoon elephant. Don’t expect this one to fall apart like Bobrovsky did last series. He, much like the rest of his team, will have a chip on his shoulder. Holtby is bound to frustrate players and fans alike and has the potential to steal enough games to get blacklisted from Gamestop. I guarantee he’ll give it his all since you know he constantly hears the name Bonino after that series clinching overtime goal in game 6 last year. But honestly, who doesn’t after last year’s playoffs.


 NHL.com

NHL.com

4. T.J. Oshie

TJ Oshie was one of the Cap’s big add-ons a few seasons back which was supposed to turn the tide for the franchise. Why should you hate him? He looks like a typical frat bro but one who actually has enough talent to make him a legitimate scoring threat, thus robbing us of that joy when you see the high school/college jock fail. How dare he be successful, the nerve of some people! Oshie will probably score an overtime goal early in the series and make you want to punch him in his inexplicably rosey cheeks.


pierre

3. Pierre McGuire & NBC Sports

The second round of the playoffs is here and that means the crew over at Root Sports get to hang up their telestrator pens as the NBC Sports crew takes over. The premier reason as to why the NBC sport crew is terrible is none other than Regis “Pierre” McGuire. Whether it’s his incessant use of where each guy played high school hockey, his tendency to mispronounce or use formal names (“Brooks Orpeck” or “Christopher Kunitz”), or his trademark interview style which throws personal space out the window, McGuire will make your skin crawl every time there’s a stoppage in play. Between periods you’ll be treated to the comedic stylings of Jeremy Roenick, Mike Millbury, and Keith Jones. Three guys who still think that all a team really needs is to get out there and punch a few guys to win. What we’re not going to do however, is complain about Mike Emrick, that man is an American treasure and a Buccos fan to boot.


penaltykill

2. Whoever the Hell is Supposed to Cover the Left Circle on the Penalty Kill

Elite players find a way to get open and score and let’s be honest, Ovechkin is an elite player. You can all but guarantee at some point in this upcoming series he’s going to be wide open at the left circle and one-time one past Fleury/Murray. The sooner you accept this as an inevitability the sooner the healing process can begin. Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t want to trade or bench whichever Kuhnhackle or Cullen was supposed to be over there. This is a normal playoff hockey reaction and so long as you don’t follow it up by continually yelling “SHOOT” during the Pen’s next powerplay you get to keep your fan membership (even if it’s the limited “playoffs only” option).


ovechkin

1. Ovechkin

As if I really need to tell you why to hate this cro-magnon man on skates.


Honorable Mention: The Fans

On second thought, they’ve watched the Caps choke in the playoffs for the past 8 years, they’ve suffered enough.

LET'S GO PENS!

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