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The KeysTone Statement

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Conor McGregor Is Dr. Ian Malcolm From Jurassic Park

Conor McGregor Is Dr. Ian Malcolm From Jurassic Park

After I posted that hard-hitting interview with Dr. John Hammond we had at Steel City Con a few weeks back, I can’t seem to shake Jurassic Park off the brain. Nor can I hip shift or rabbit punch my way away from thinking about how enjoyable that overpriced, but amazingly not over hyped, McGregor vs. Mayweather bout was Saturday night. Both have absolutely nothing to do with one another and if you look at each from a story standpoint, both had opposite trajectories of expectations.

The idea of Jurassic Park sounded beautiful and majestic in that kooky ol’ white-bearded, Panama Jack-looking entrepreneur’s mind, but turned out to be a horrific disaster in which we lost the likes of Samuel L. Jackson and Newman from Seinfeld (the mail never stops). Saturday night’s fight on the other hand, had us believing that Conor McGregor was going to get clowned in an exchange of light fisticuffs and plenty of ‘play keep away’ by Floyd  “Domestic Abuser” Mayweather for money poorly spent, but it happened to be a competitive nail biter of back-and-forth punches, with a rowdy crowd of Irish hooligans and a healthy dose of showboating by both egomaniacs. It by all accounts, exceeded the masses' expectations and almost (and I very lightly use “almost”) made the purses for the two fighters acceptable (but who’s kidding who, no one should be banking $300 million, let alone $100 million on some fantasy fight that happened to happen. Let’s donate 80% of their winnings to shit that needs it, like say, shelters for abused women or actual cancer research, but I digress).

All that into account, I somehow made a connection between last night’s fight and the 1993 blockbuster that was Jurassic Park. It has to do with Conor McGregor’s performance and his potential reputation from here on: he is kind of like Jeff Goldblum.

That’s right, everybody’s favorite smarmy, nuerotically endearing yet trendy cool scientist, Dr. Ian Malcolm. And if you think about Dr. Ian Malcolm, he’s ten times cooler than that Bill “Try Too Hard” Nye or even Neil “I Kinda Don’t Have A Problem With Him” DeGrasse Tyson. I couldn’t imagine a half shirtless, soaken wet, flare-toting Bill Nye putting himself between a T-Rex and couple of kids when the man would probably send those kids a fake autograph in the mail (I know this from experience). Could I imagine him getting bit in half while cowering on the shitter like that lawyer did? Absolutely. Not Dr. Malcolm. He came out chest a-blazing and warded that T-Rex off of the path of potential kid snacks despite putting his life in jeopardy. A true hero in a world inhabited by Stan Winston created dinosaurs.

Now Conor McGregor is the farthest thing from a hero. His “rags-to-riches” story is quite compelling, his charisma is off-the-charts enjoyable and the competitive guts that he takes with him into the octagon (and now boxing ring) is unparalleled, but you’d be hard-pressed to categorize him as a hero (if you’re Irish, maybe you’re singing a different tune). However, besides the spectacle that are/were the dinosaurs, who was the coolest character in the first Jurassic Park? It’s got to be Dr. Malcolm, right? He had the greased up hair, Fonzie leather jacket, hipster glasses with transition lenses, witty analogies and quirky quips. Dude stole the show, but it wasn’t his movie and Jurassic wasn’t his park. The boxing ring wasn’t McGregor’s either, but both held their own in their respective circus rings and came out better (and more popular) on the other side. Malcolm set himself up to be the lead in the sub-par sequel that was The Lost World (was not a fan of that dog getting “implied eaten” by that asshole Tyrannosaurus) while Conor’s script for a sequel has yet to be written.

Lucky for McGregor he has creative control and his park of choice.

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