Failing ESPN Fails Pittsburgh By Firing David Todd
Still confused, Dave. This actually isn't Dominic, but an HR person at ESPN. Let's run down a couple of things and just make sure you were following our framework for a ratings grab - there's gotta be some mistake here:
You did yell enough, right? That's step number 1.
And you were sure to dedicate two hours and thirty minutes of your Monday show to Jeter's number getting retired over the weekend too, correct? Gotta dot them "i"'s and cross them "t"'s.
Ahh wait, what's that? You typically cover the Pittsburgh Pirates? That's still baseball, right? Okay, well, in that case you should know the protocol is to Photoshop Jeter in that city's jersey, even if he never played for them. Viewers love it when we Photoshop players in different uniforms. Maybe he stands in for that white guy with dreads? Last names are kind of similar. Or you could've done a slice of life segment where he raced one of those perogis. And then Pittsburgh retires his number.
Table that thought.
Did you happen to plug WWE and their storylines? That's also very important in being the world-wide leader sports. Lots of the brass here in Bristol are big fanboys of nostalgia, like that time when Hulk Hogan (pre-sex-tape and racial slurs) slammed Andre The Giant wayyyy back in 1987. Remember that? Big Ultimate Warrior fan myself. We don't want to burn any bridges with them so Triple H can keep sending us customized title belts and we can keep getting photo-ops. I hope you didn't say anything about that whole real life bullying thing. Gotta keep suckling at the teat, so to speak.
Oh. Oh, shit. David...it says here you talked about hockey. That's still a thing? We got rid of most of those guys a few weeks ago, and honestly I thought we just kept them around because of their funny names. For a minute there I thought you were talking about legit penguins! That too would have been ridiculous.
Well at least you did touch upon politics, because you know, that's kind of what people want to hear right now, even if they do switch to a sports channel to escape that sort of thing. Although I never heard of Senator Erik Karlsson.
Sorry, David. Looks like everything does check out. You were just too legitimate at your job. Just kind of not what we're looking for at the moment here at ESPN. Instead, Dan Le Batard's dad is going to take over all of the Pittsburgh sports coverage from now on with thorough analysis, ink on his fingers, and a lovable personality. Plus he's just so adorable.
Say hi to Jayson Stark for us!