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How To Escape Your Local Bachelor And Live Your Best Life

How To Escape Your Local Bachelor And Live Your Best Life

Thanks to modern technology, dating in Western PA is now easier than it was fifty years ago! Not only do more women own cars, we know how to drive away in them fast. Here are twelve signs you know it's time to fill up that tank at Sunoco and stop looking to a relationship to define yourself, or satisfy any needs at all:

  1. You aren't relating to his emoji choices anymore.
    Decoding the color of texts takes on literal meaning. Is he having an identity crisis, or does he just want to see how well you can go with the flow of that random red book emoji at 4:30pm? If it’s the blue one, he probably has another girl in mind, or he thinks visiting the Carnegie library for the fifth time is your idea of a fun evening.

  2. You start forgetting what attracted you to him in the first place.
    Or was it him to you? If the feeling was or is still mutual, you should definitely get out now while you're ahead. Winter is coming, and SAD will get one or both of you. Might as well prepare for the next person, preferably someone with good vitamin D levels, or at least an indoor UV lamp.

  3. He breaks his promises.
    He hinted that he was going to show you the moon on Observatory Hill, but after a year of only Netflix and chill, you start to see the light beyond the proverbial TV screen. Hearing friends rave about trips to Phipps, Erie and the Laurel Highlands have left you wanting way more.

  4. You start realizing none of this was your idea and start making up a new mantra about how nature is a cruel taskmaster.
    Kicking that biological clock to the curb and getting your ovaries taken out sounds like a good idea. Then you will have a clear enough head to decide, instead of letting him be the only logical one. UPMC might even have an app for that.

  5. He shows no interest in your religion, whatever it happens to be this month.
    For a while you thought he was cool with whatever too, but his repeated references to Troy Polamalu have you questioning his willingness to change, especially when you go downtown and see the symphony prices.

  6. He starts fights he has no interest in finishing.
    He thrives on conflict, because it lets him feel like life is just a big adventure, like that movie you watched together the first time he asked you to kiss him (aww). Or was it a horror film? Definitely something they wouldn't show on Schenley Hill.

  7. He finds your friends boring.
    Yawning, sorting his Magic card collection, or fiddling with the remote whenever you want to tell him a story about your nights out in Lawrenceville are clear signs he regrets ever asking you to come over.

  8. You always have to be the one to initiate meals.
    His lack of interest in restaurants, food, or cooking you anything at all, ever, is a clear sign of short-sightedness and denial of your basic needs as a woman, which are to eat and to eat, first and foremost. Not even Primanti Brothers opening a new location inspires him to leave his bachelor pad.

  9. He keeps forgetting your favorite color, holiday, flower, movie, book, TV show, song, milkshake flavor, celebrity crush, interstate route, and relative.
    Maybe these also change on a monthly basis, or maybe you are a woman of complex tastes and he intuits that. Either way, time to move on and start talking to that stranger in the art museum.

  10. Whenever you ask for a back massage, he conveniently always has to use the bathroom. You wait for him to confide in you about the degenerative nerve condition he has suffered from since birth, but after ten months of grasping and ungrasping the remote with relative ease, you can finally lay this theory aside and get on with your life. Ask all your health professional friends first just to be sure, though.

  11. He never buys you flowers.
    Or chocolate, or anything, even though you suggested you were a low maintenance girl and agreed to an insecure attachment style, in fewer words. Not communicating your needs was okay for the first couple months, but since you discovered kickboxing, it's time to change things up.

  12. Every UPS man or PAT bus driver makes you reevaluate your romantic choices.
    Not only do they know how to drive, they smile and greet people of any race, class or religion respectfully and with a humble heart. Girl, you can do better.

Things are tough out there in the Tinder-crazed and commitment-phobe jungle, but with these local judgments and mores in mind, you can keep yourself afloat in the modern romanceless man’s world. The important thing is to never stop swimming, especially when you jump in the river out of boredom!


 

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