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The KeysTone Statement

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My Gym Or Yours: Disarming The Gender Wars

My Gym Or Yours: Disarming The Gender Wars

Being a feminist these days requires a little less chutzpah than it did in 1930s Paris or even the seventies. Thanks to all the advances in workplace equality, aerodynamic metaethics and sustainable nuclear farming, we now have a simple way to elevate and evaluate a woman's overall value in society: her ability to cultivate two gym memberships at once.

Some call it polyanatomy; others call it insanity. Either way, it will elevate your mood. Science hasn’t yet clarified which mood—anger, despair, or envy—did someone scream satisfaction? I was too busy checking what time the next Zumba class is.

The truth is that having two gym memberships gives a girl options. Who cares if one location isn't open 24/7? Head over to the place across town that requires a minimal investment of ten dollars a month. Sure, it’s not as high class, but at least you know this gym is always down for whatever you are! Get in the groove with some light cardio before hitting up the free weights. Let the music time your reps. Just don't forget to smile while you're doing bicep curls and lat pulldowns, or the neighborhood gym rats might think you’re up to something that will threaten their manhood.

 Remember, $9.99 a month (and Monday pizza night) is always an option.

Remember, $9.99 a month (and Monday pizza night) is always an option.

It's okay to dream about your second gym while you're in this location. Especially because they both have national travel options, so no one's really competing. You might have to up your commitment via your credit card first. With all this financial freedom, no one's holding anyone hostage.

Job requires you to relocate? No worries, with two gyms you can decide later which one to ditch in your new city. Or just keep both of them available, because being a career woman is stressful, and hiding from that invasive trainer, your stalker, the investment banker, your abusive ex-boss, and from the creepy guy across the hall is a top priority.

Competing for slots in their schedule got you down? If your favorite class at one gym is full, just communicate and let them know you don't really need them anyway by scanning solely into your other gym for one whole month. That will show them how to attract and retain members.

 Passive aggressiveness with your gym = the new namaste.

Passive aggressiveness with your gym = the new namaste.

Speaking of marketing, you really don't have time for all these texting games. If they would just offer those personal training and spa sessions for free already, or do something else really thoughtful. Then you can save the time you’ve been wasting staring at all the machine labels and start spending it on your squat form, racking up some Candy Crush data for Shem, or rolling out your hamstrings.

Having two facilities invested in your happiness is what being a modern American feminist is all about. Give each gym some time to adapt to your fitness goals and then you can come and go as you please! Just don't expect anyone there to start asking about your politics. We're too busy checking out our abs in the mirrors. With views like this, who needs to go anywhere else?

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