KSLogo.png

The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

Jaded Jedi: Episode 2 "The Previews" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

Jaded Jedi: Episode 2 "The Previews" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

This three-part series is spoiler free of any "Last Jedi" revelations, everybody. Don't you worry and read with confidence.

Waiting in line with a gaggle of other excited, yet still-grounded geeks for an hour and a half lifted my movie-going spirits - did the trailers bring them back down?


SeinfeldPreviews.jpg

Jedi Jaded: Episode 2 "The Previews"

If anything pisses with me more than going to the movies, it's typically the previews. It always bring out my Emperor Palpatine levels of dark side, and these trailers force choked the ever living pessimism out of me. I'll try to go in order but let's see what happens.

annihilation-movie-paramount-pictures.png

Annihilation

It looked to be about a creepy contained micro-environment that evolves really fast and kills people. Meh, whatever. Natalie Portman is in it and her character’s apartment looks bland AF. I don’t want a protagonist who can’t tie a room together.


LondonRobot.jpg

Some Bad London Robot/Mad Max Type Movie

No joke, it’s London (the city) on wheels chasing down some road warriors across a dystopian terrain. I looked for the name on Google typing in "London robot movie trailer" and every other iteration of it, but luckily I couldn't find it. It doesn't matter, though. Tom Hardy & Charlize did it first (and better). When is this gritty steam-punk themed bullshit gonna blow over?


JurassicPark.jpg

Jurassic World: The Fallen Kingdom

Didn’t see the newest Jurassic World and this trailer reaffirms me not wanting to see that or this one. Sorry, but you lost me at “friends with raptors”. Just give me cool Dr. Ian Malcolm from the 1993 original and I consider my Jurassic fandom fulfilled


WrinkleInTime.jpg

Disney’s A Wrinkle In Time

Absolutely, 100% the worst movie trailer I’ve ever seen. Oprah’s really going all out with the book club thing because she is Lady Gaga’ed to the nines, along with Reese Witherspoon, Zack Galifianakis and Kelly from the office who all look like failed costume ideas of Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland.

JohnnyDeppMadHatter.gif

Plus the score gave me one fine headache with a side of nausea. This movie may promote reading, but not in the fashion (literally) they want it to. Wow, this really put me in a bad state.


BattleAngel.jpg

Alita: Battle Angel

This wasn’t a good way to shore up the nausea. That prick James Cameron jumps back in the business again by mixing a CGI character with a bunch of human characters, but instead of looking like she’s from Fern Gully, she very much looks like a human with big eyes. It’s just a love story with  lot of robots and fighting that takes itself too seriously because the guy from Titanic is producing it.


Rampage.jpg

Rampage

I love The Rock (he is “The People’s Champ” of course), but we’re getting him in another disaster movie where a city (in this case Chicago) gets destroyed? Godzilla and King Kong just came out within the past five years and we have some C-Level carbon copies from an 80s video game trying to recreate their brand of chaos. We just saw a bunch of damn dinosaurs five minutes ago.

Rock.gif

Poor placement, very poor placement - especially since we cap the trailers off with…


Thanos.png

The Avengers: The Infinity War

Ah yes, the notorious city destroyers themselves. I love Marvel (and will even more once the evil ghost of Walt Disney makes the move to merge the X-Men universe with them). I saw this trailer previously so I was already buying, yet also realizing I have a shitload of movies to catch up on. Josh Brolin will be one damn good Thanos.


Overall, these trailers put me in a real shitty movie mindset. All are futuristic and/or weird as all get out. We could have used a good comedy in there or something. A Ricky Bobby 2 would have balanced the order of light and darkness, but no, too many of these trailers took themselves way too seriously. I don't want to say I checked out, but I was at threat level midnight.

Obi Dies.gif

NEXT UP: Episode 3 "The Return Of The Review"....

Jaded Jedi: Episode 3 "The Return Of The Review" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

Jaded Jedi: Episode 3 "The Return Of The Review" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

Jaded Jedi: Episode 1 "Getting (Too Damn) Early In Line" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

Jaded Jedi: Episode 1 "Getting (Too Damn) Early In Line" (A Spoiler Free Feature)