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Jaded Jedi: Episode 3 "The Return Of The Review" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

Jaded Jedi: Episode 3 "The Return Of The Review" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

This three-part series is spoiler free of any "Last Jedi" revelations, everybody. Don't you worry and read with confidence.

If you've followed my past two "Jaded Jedi" episodes, you'll notice a very similar correlation between of the original Star Wars Saga and my Thursday attendance of going to Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

Episode one was indeed much like a New Hope where my pessimism was plugged by chumming it up with fellow line-waiters who weren't decked out all Storm-trooper-y, but the dark side quickly overtook me as I sat through the way too similar, way too horrible movie trailers (A Wrinkle In Time....never again) Will the movie be like the Ewoks to my Rebel Alliance and right the balance in The Force of sitting through the next three hours with other Star Wars fans? Things better go smoother than Kylo Ren's "Undercover Boss" segment:



Jedi Jaded: Episode 3 "The Return Of The Review"

Opening crawl hits and people begin clapping...for text scrolling up the screen. The opening crawl too is one of my favorite moments of the Star Wars flicks, but I refuse to applaud for just an upward movement of Arial Black fading into a galaxy (even if it is a Star Wars one). You gotta pick your claps at the right time and I think there’s more appropriate moments. Onto the movie itself…

So everyone and their second cousin has wrote a review for the movie so I’ll knock mine right out of the way:


Like a jaded douche with insecurity issues always does, let me give you the CONS:

  • The risks they took only worked about half the time.

  • Missed opportunities with some characters.

  • Kylo Ren doesn’t seem as big as a villain as Darth Vader.


Not bad, right? I will say though that the risk bullet point is a hefty one, as some of the risks that I believe "didn't stick" had a pretty big impact on the movie.

Now, the PROS:

  • Most new characters (porgs notwithstanding) are excellent additions.

  • Good or bad, it’s very Star Wars in nature. Some lines and moments didn’t sit right with me but I get that I’m watching a movie notorious for cheesy moments so no harm no foul.

  • Some pretty fantastic fight scenes with some “ohhhhh shit” moments.

  • Kylo Ren, although not as villainous as Vader, has his own great dynamic that makes him stand out.

I think my villainy badass level went up with Kylo Ren a little bit more when I heard that Adam Driver used to be a Marine. I was so enveloped with the fact that he played a boyfriend on HBO’s Girls and that he teared up more than a soap opera actor in the Force Awakens that it hampered my vibe on him. Ren’s still got some work to do in my eyes, but he’s getting there as a viable baddie.


Now let me throw TWO BITS OF SHADE at my fellow audience members:

  1. Again, the clapping at text, totally unnecessary.

  2. The people around me enjoyed the porgs (formerly known to me as seal hamsters) way too much.

Seriously, I hate those things. It also didn't help that the woman beside me gushed everytime they showed up on screen. Luckily they didn’t have a huge influence on the plot flow but it was enough to make me not like them and reaffirm my fears of products like this getting made:


I’m telling you, if you whip out a porg wallet on a first date, that will also be our last date (and we’re definitely going dutch). They were solely there to make another merchandising product and if Disney's churning out obscure shit like tapestries you know that was the point.

The Verdict

Star Wars: The Last Jedi didn’t completely Return of The Jedi-ed my movie going optimism, but it was an edged-out victory nonetheless. Actually, it would be akin if say, Chewbacca died or R2-D2 exploded at the end of Return of The Jedi. It was a win for the war, but we still had some tragic losses in battle.


But, I will leave you with this - it got me back into Star Wars mode, and that says something.

May The Force Be With You, Nerds.

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Jaded Jedi: Episode 2 "The Previews" (A Spoiler Free Feature)

Jaded Jedi: Episode 2 "The Previews" (A Spoiler Free Feature)