My Immediate Thoughts As I Watch Round 1 Of The NFL Draft
So, faithful readers, I found myself unable to complete my mock draft this past week as a result of some personal interference. As a peace offering, I'll give some thoughts on the NFL Draft as I watch it, until I fall asleep like an old man around 9pm.
- First thing to notice is that Rich Eisen has the nerve to call Philadelphia beautiful. That's like commenting in the aesthetic values of a turd.
- Commissioner Goodell getting horrifically booed by ravenous Philly fans
- Ugh, a promo about how Philly is "rough around the edges". It's easier to just say it's a shithole.
- Brown's on the board. That used car salesman Mel Kiper claimed the Brown's would take Trubisky first.
- Brown's taking forever to make their first pick. Further proving that Cleveland could fuck up a free lunch.
- Brown's pick Myles Garrett, as everyone but "draft expert" Kiper knew they would. The GM in Cleveland will likely keep his job as a result of making this obvious choice.
- Trade. Bears move up one spot to the and selection. John Lynch likely tenting his fingers like Mr. Burns in The Simpsons
- The Bears nab up Mitch Trubisky in a very surprising move. You can almost hear Mike Glennon's boner deflate.
- If Deion Sanders gets any closer to Mitch during this interview, it may lead to intercourse. Stay tuned.
- False alarm on the intercourse.
- San Fran on the board. Because of the weird move by the Bears, they'll probably get Solomon Thomas as originally planned.
- San Fran grabs Solomon Thomas, and Roger Goodell embraced him passionately for some reason.
- Jacksonville on the board, prepared to underwhelm football fans across the U.S. for another season.
- Jaguars take Leonard Fournette in spite of his questionable facial hair choices.
- Noticing that Deion is only interested in speaking with offensive draft picks.
- Titans ready to pick. If I yawn any harder my jaw will unhinge.
- Tennessee takes Corey Davis, who is wearing a hideous salmon-colored jacket.
- I think the desk guys just compared him to Randy Moss. Clownery.
- Dom's Jets are up next. Let's see what they do this year to let down our editor-in-chief.
- Jets grab Jamal Adams. To rebuild the cardboard cutouts which have been serving as their secondary. Actually a pretty good pick.
- Deion finally interviews a defensive pick...mostly because of his gaudy suit.
- Chargers take Mike Williams, who elected to wear a beanie cap in spite of the fact that he's in California.
- Listening to the desk guys talk stats is like listening to a pimp tell you about his hoes. Liam Neeson may need to intervene.
- Carolina gets Christian McCaffrey. The world holds its collective breathe in anticipation of seeing a white dude dab.
- Bengals are next. Let's see if the give the Red Rider Beebee Gun a little help.
- They just showed a peewee football player juke out the Eagles mascot. Getting whooped on the field apparently isn't limited to only the players.
- Cincy gets John Ross, who nearly fell down the steps on the way to Goodell...not a good sign.
And with that, I'm off to bed, faithful readers.