My Immediate Thoughts As I Watch Round 1 Of The NFL Draft

My Immediate Thoughts As I Watch Round 1 Of The NFL Draft

So, faithful readers, I found myself unable to complete my mock draft this past week as a result of some personal interference. As a peace offering, I'll give some thoughts on the NFL Draft as I watch it, until I fall asleep like an old man around 9pm. 


  • First thing to notice is that Rich Eisen has the nerve to call Philadelphia beautiful. That's like commenting in the aesthetic values of a turd.
  • Commissioner Goodell getting horrifically booed by ravenous Philly fans
  • Ugh, a promo about how Philly is "rough around the edges". It's easier to just say it's a shithole.
  • Brown's on the board. That used car salesman Mel Kiper claimed the Brown's would take Trubisky first.
  • Brown's taking forever to make their first pick. Further proving that Cleveland could fuck up a free lunch.
  • Brown's pick Myles Garrett, as everyone but "draft expert" Kiper knew they would. The GM in Cleveland will likely keep his job as a result of making this obvious choice.
  • Trade. Bears move up one spot to the and selection. John Lynch likely tenting his fingers like Mr. Burns in The Simpsons
  • The Bears nab up Mitch Trubisky in a very surprising move. You can almost hear Mike Glennon's boner deflate. 
  • If Deion Sanders gets any closer to Mitch during this interview, it may lead to intercourse. Stay tuned.
  • False alarm on the intercourse.
  • San Fran on the board. Because of the weird move by the Bears, they'll probably get Solomon Thomas as originally planned.
  • San Fran grabs Solomon Thomas, and Roger Goodell embraced him passionately for some reason.
  • Jacksonville on the board, prepared to underwhelm football fans across the U.S. for another season.
  • Jaguars take Leonard Fournette in spite of his questionable facial hair choices.
  • Noticing that Deion is only interested in speaking with offensive draft picks.
  • Titans ready to pick. If I yawn any harder my jaw will unhinge.
  • Tennessee takes Corey Davis, who is wearing a hideous salmon-colored jacket.
  • I think the desk guys just compared him to Randy Moss. Clownery.
  • Dom's Jets are up next. Let's see what they do this year to let down our editor-in-chief.
  • Jets grab Jamal Adams. To rebuild the cardboard cutouts which have been serving as their secondary. Actually a pretty good pick.
  • Deion finally interviews a defensive pick...mostly because of his gaudy suit.
  • Chargers take Mike Williams, who elected to wear a beanie cap in spite of the fact that he's in California.
  • Listening to the desk guys talk stats is like listening to a pimp tell you about his hoes. Liam Neeson may need to intervene.
  • Carolina gets Christian McCaffrey. The world holds its collective breathe in anticipation of seeing a white dude dab.
  • Bengals are next. Let's see if the give the Red Rider Beebee Gun a little help.
  • They just showed a peewee football player juke out the Eagles mascot. Getting whooped on the field apparently isn't limited to only the players.
  • Cincy gets John Ross, who nearly fell down the steps on the way to Goodell...not a good sign.

And with that, I'm off to bed, faithful readers.

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