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The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

Niemi No More, Here Are Three "Off-The-Ice" Candidates To Replace Him

Niemi No More, Here Are Three "Off-The-Ice" Candidates To Replace Him

The Pittsburgh Penguins placed goaltender Antti Niemi on waivers Monday after he appeared in just three games as Matt Murray's backup.

Niemi, 34, had a 7.49 goals-against average and a .797 save percentage. That includes allowing seven goals in a loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning on Saturday.

He gave up four goals in under 10 minutes during the Penguins' 10-1 drubbing by the Chicago Blackhawks on Oct. 5.

Niemi had signed a one-year, $700,000 contract with the Penguins in the offseason. Niemi, who won a Stanley Cup with the Blackhawks in 2010, had been with the Dallas Stars the previous two seasons before they bought out the final year of his contract.

Pittsburgh called up rookie goaltender Casey DeSmith from its AHL affiliate in Wilkes Barre/Scranton.

DeSmith and Tristan Jarry will share backup goaltending duties and will be evaluated on a "week-to-week basis," according to Rutherford.

Yeah, not the greatest of goal-tending efforts, but listen: we've all been where Niemi has been. Not all epic failures just take place on the ice, but we all have let a half dozen pucks pass us in the net-minding of our lives

Did you do your job perfectly yesterday? I bet a dime to a dollar you fuckin' didn't - it was Monday, Monday's suck and the last thing you probably felt like doing is rolling your chair up to that cubicle to enter a line of zeroes you or I will probably never see at the end of a paycheck. Guess who was seeing those zeroes? Our (former) boy Niemi here. Now he's taking his skates to Flo-rida to coast on their pine.

That leaves our back-up goaltending situation as foggy as that Falcons/Pats game on Sunday night. DeSmith & Jarry may be okay for now, but what if one goes down? Or if they pull a Timmy Thomas and just ghosts? We've got to be ready, and I have a few viable options, ones that could be better than Niemi was in those three dismal games. 

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3. Mr. Bean In This Chair Here

Now I know what you're thinking, how in the Sam Hill does a Brit know anything about hockey? He might not, but that Australian for the Caps knew of it's existence, who's to say that true royalty in British comedy doesn't know about it? Niemi totally copied off the Bean man in the prat fall department, I'm not so sure that he couldn't eclipse Niemi as Murray's backstop. His technique in Judo throwing is pretty unmatched. (Also, Mr. Bean's Twitter should only consist of grunts, weird noises and/or pig latin. The dude barely talks - the dude should barely Tweet.)

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2. A Wet Paper Bag

Probably the obvious dark horse of the bunch. First of he/she is wet, so it may be relatively easy to cut through their frame with a well-placed slap shot to the ol' solar plexis, (I've never played hockey so I don't know for sure), but it is cold on the ice so they could harden up a bit after the first period or so. Like any new talent, it takes a little bit to assimilate. Both DeSmith and Jarry may have to go through the same type of growing pains. Although a wet paper bag can't move so that might be a problem. Still an option, though.

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1. Jean-Claude Van Damme Returning For A Sudden Death Sequel

Yes, Sudden Death is 22 years old, just as old as Tristan Jarry, which would put Jean-Claude at the glistening age of 57. He's also busy with Jean-Claude Van Johnson where he's Jean-Claude Van Damme moonlighting as an undercover operative (which if it's on Amazon it's absolutely 100% fact that he does this in his real life), but I think he's got a bit of that Jagr gene in him. He's proven he can grow a mad mullet mane and you give him the right amount of those aforementioned zeroes and he's a mercenary for hire (he's played one many times). I'm also sure he wants a second go-around with Iceburgh since both are up there in age.

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