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The KeysTone Statement

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A Totally Objective List Of Things You’ll Hate About The Senators

A Totally Objective List Of Things You’ll Hate About The Senators

The Pens did it again, they upset the top seeded team in the second round for the second year. It’s easy to assume that it’ll be easy from here on out but that’s the kind of mistake that leads to disappointment. There are plenty of reasons the Senators made it this far and we as fans shouldn’t look past that. This does not mean we shouldn’t look for and celebrate all the things we’ll inevitably hate about Canada’s capital. Without further ado here is another totally objective list of things you’ll hate about the Ottawa Senators.


5. Matt Niskanen

Yeah, I know he’s not a Senator but I don’t care, I’m not done hating him and neither should you. You certainly remember Matt Niskanen as a former Penguin and former respectable human being. A questionable “hockey play” (his coach’s words) during game 3 cemented his legacy among other Penguin villains like Adam Graves and global warming. Plus if Sidney Crosby hits a slump you know the media will rehash this injury ad nauseam.

Fortunately this chapter in the Niskanen story had a happy ending thanks to Mr. Marc-Andre Fleury. Enjoy your summer Matt.


4. Guy Boucher and the 1-3-1 Trap

Despite looking like a Bond Villain coach Guy Boucher’s coaching style is about as exciting as buttered noodles. He’s taken this average team to the Eastern Conference finals in large part due to the 1-3-1 trap. For the uninitiated, the 1-3-1 trap is a defense first coaching strategy that aligns the players in a diamond shape forcing the play to the boards. It can force even a talented team to make minimal progress and get forced to reset after each attempt, much like the Capitals playoff runs. The Pens probably have the speed and skill to bypass the trap but expect to find yourself falling asleep.


neil

3. Chris Neil

One of the weaknesses that the Senators bring to the Eastern Conference Finals is a lack of depth at forward. This means that clowns like Chris Neil get semi-regular minutes. What Neil lacks in skating, shooting, passing, and every other aspect of a legitimate hockey player, he more than makes up for in cheap shots, late hits, and missing teeth. He’s missed several games due to an injury and has been a healthy scratch as well. If all goes according to plan the Pens will take an early lead so don’t be surprised if Boucher dresses Neil to add some grit in in the series. Neil’s not afraid to take the occasional 5 or 10 minute major, mostly because he likely can’t count and doesn’t know the difference.


2. Erik Karlsson

Karlsson is a former two time Norris Trophy winner and the Senators best player by far. He’s been playing with a hairline fracture in his foot as well and still leads his team. He’s the real deal and a legit threat. Players like Karlsson will naturally be a target for opposing team’s hate just by being everywhere on the ice. His full name is Erik Sven Gunnar Karlsson which I believe makes him the most Swedish person ever. He’s basically one umlaut away from being an Ikea chair.


1. Eugene Melnyk

Eugene Melnyk is the owner of the Ottawa Senators and he has a history with the Penguins. He’s been an outspoken critic of Sidney Crosby recently calling for an extensive ban after a slash injured one of the Senators finger. Never mind the injured player himself thought it was no big deal. Melnyk has a history of placing blame on everyone else but him in seasons passed so expect for him to publicly play the blame game the moment the series doesn’t go his way.


Honorable Mention: City of Ottawa

Honorable mention goes to the city of Ottawa who have struggled to fill the stands in the arena despite their team making it to the conference finals. If you can actually find one of them online or in real life be sure to take a picture because it’s a rare occasion.

There it is folks, your hate fuel for the next round. Let’s hope the Pens make quick work of the Sens on route to the real finals.

LET'S GO PENS!

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