KSLogo.png

The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

We Have The Real Scoop On The Pirates' New Strength Coach

We Have The Real Scoop On The Pirates' New Strength Coach

Via Rob Biertemptful of Trib Total Media

The Pirates on Tuesday shuffled their sports performance team by promoting Todd Tomczyk to director of sports medicine and hiring a major league strength coach.

Tomczyk spent the past six seasons as the Pirates' head athletic trainer. That role will be filled by Bryan Housand, who has been with the club the past 17 years.

Jim Malone is the new strength coach. Malone previously worked as assistant athletic director for strength and conditioning at Campbell University. He also has worked for the St. Louis Cardinals, New York Mets and San Diego Padres.

Ben Potenziano will return for his seventh season as assistant athletic trainer. Kevin “Otis” Fitzgerald will begin his third year as the club's physical therapist.

So our sources here at The Keystone Statement are telling us that these reports are false, or at the very least, misconstrued a bit. (Hint: source #1 is Bob Walk, source #2 is his good friend, Evan Williams and source #3 his chaser case of Iron City - all of this was recording while he was throwing a crate of maple bats into his potentially illegal backyard bonfire)

While it is indeed true that the Pirates did have a “strength” coach, and Todd Tomczyck was indeed that person, "Bonfire" Walk has told us that the position has been split into two separate jobs: a strength coach & a mental conditioning coach. And yes, both positions have been filled.

The strength coach is a dojo owner from Preston, Idaho who simply goes by the name of Rex.

Rex.jpeg

Unorthodox in practice, research has not been proven that Rex's "Rex Kwan Do" method actually works, but Pirate's GM Neal Huntington sure was excited about it's prospects,

"The cap space this saves us will be remarkable," said Huntington as he binocular-watched Bob Nutting Seven Springs ski down his mountain of Scrooge McDuck money. "Just look at Bob. Such poise. Such grace. So majestic."

Huntington, also aware of the psychological effects that such an influx of savvy transitions could potentially have on the clubhouse's growing optimism, announced that the new position of mental coach would be filled by Dr. Marvin Monroe of Springfield.

DrMonroe.png

Initially considered to be fictional, Huntington insists that Dr. Monroe is real, legitimate and had several success stories when it comes to "mentally preparing" professional athletes through not only the good times, but the tough times.

"The success that Dr. Monroe has had with the likes of Johnny Bravo, Hong Kong Phooey and Speed Racer have just been phenomenal"

When confronted with the facts that these "athletes" don't in fact exist, he simply presented this image of Ken Griffey, Jr., accompanying it with the sassy response "well does HE exist?"

KenGriffey.jpg

He then proceeded to end the interview.

My Man Vinny Looking Good This Weekend - Could Still Thread The Football Needle

My Man Vinny Looking Good This Weekend - Could Still Thread The Football Needle

Vince's Shovel Week 3: Burying Sting in WWE

Vince's Shovel Week 3: Burying Sting in WWE