The Pittsburgh Draft Is Finished & Is Mired In Controversy
After six weeks of ups, downs and straight-up disorganization on The Keystone Cast, we here at The Keystone Statement have completed the inaugural Pittsburgh Draft. With no actual means of physical competition at our disposal, the primary question was who can form the best team of Pittsburghers assembled?
However, this simple (albeit broad) question was turned into "what exactly makes a 'Pittsburgher'?" How is this assessed? Do we account distance, birthplace, years spent, how does this exactly work, Dominic, you shady, sleazy, disgraceful excuse for a commissioner? Well here were my three basic quantifiers that players would have to meet (at least one) to be draft eligible. I mentally composed in my head, but never put down to paper (probably a poor idea not to in retrospect):
- Must have been born in the PIttsburgh area.
- Played for a Pittsburgh sports team.
- Had to have had some sort of big impact on the city.
Things really came to a head with the 15th overall pick when I chose Steubenville, Ohio's finest, Dean Martin. For those of you unfamiliar with maps, "Ohio" is not in the state of Pennsylvania. However, Steubenville is a self-proclaimed "metropolitan area of Pittsburgh" and is a mere 39 miles away from the Steel City: closer than Indiana, closer than Latrobe, closer than Beaver Falls, but still not within the state boundaries, and overall a shitty down that Dino only spent his youth in (his parents are even buried in California). Still my extreme bias for the Italian crooner justified my conscience in picking "Mr. Wonderful" himself.
Oh boy. Then it was down the rabbit hole we went. Combine that with brain dead omissions, shoddy picking, and not knowing when the draft was actually over - we have our teams.
If you'd like to listen to the results unfold in real time I'll direct you to listen to episodes 10 - 16 of The Keystone Cast (subscribe and give us a review if you peruse), but for you people that enjoy seeing letters in front of your face, here are our squads:
The Hampton H8ers (a horrible, carelessly negligent name)
Owner: Marcus DeAngelo
Skill set: resides in Allison Park, extremely obsessed with his cats, Dallas Cowboys fan, struggles with arithmetic.
- Mario Lemieux (1st overall pick)
- "Mean" Joe Greene
- Terry Bradshaw
- Andy Warhol
- Arnold Palmer
- August Wilson
- Honus Wagner
- George Romero
- Henry Mancini (25th overall pick)
- H.J. Heinz
- Kurt Angle
- Jerome Bettis
- Henry Frick
- Christine Aguilera
- Joe Namath
- Mike Ditka
- Tom Savini
- Franco Harris
- Demi Moore
- Jim Kelly
- Ben Roethlisberger (63rd overall pick - "Mr. Irrelevant", so ironic)
The Braddock Blacksmiths
Owner: Zack Pontious
Skill set: resides in Lawrenceville, extremely obsessed with New Orleans' musical acts, former owner of a 1999 Toyota Camry, has a beard.
The Bloomfield Bullets
Owner: Dominic DeAngelo
Skill set: resides in Bloomfield, extremely obsessed with Vinny Testaverde, great at predicting Fargo Season 3 love connections, waves to people who aren't waving at him.
- Roberto Clemente (3rd overall pick)
- Sidney Crosby
- Michael Keaton
- Andrew Carnegie (10th overall pick)
- Dean Martin (15th overall pick)
- Bruno Sammartino
- Art Rooney
- Joe Montana
- Jeff Goldblum
- Jack Lambert
- Ken Griffey Jr.
- Evgeni Malkin
- Ray Sprigle
- Gillian Jacobs
- F. Murray Abraham
- Larry Fitzgerald
- Gertrude Stein (50th overall pick)
- Troy Polamalu
- Mike Sullivan
- Hines Ward
- Perry Como
Completely repulsed? Care to weigh in? (Believe me, I know we missed people)
Email your complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org.
We're still thinking of someway to judge this whole debacle