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Post Game (Of Thrones) Thoughts: S7, E5 "Eastwatch"

Post Game (Of Thrones) Thoughts: S7, E5 "Eastwatch"

(DISCLAIMER: I have no clue whatsoever on how to spell [or remember] character names, but I will forego my due diligence of journalistic integrity by researching the proper spelling in favor of humor and self-mockery. Seriously, screw off GRRM for making these names too close to real ones

FOURTH UPDATE: Was feeling fairly confident in my spelling abilities until I was faced with "Targaryon" again. Sometimes ya just can't win.)

I know last week’s episode clocked in as the show’s fastest ever runtime, but as far as how quick the story moved along, they shoved this episode in Millennium Falcon hyperdrive and gave the directing reigns to a coked-up Speedy Gonzalez. As a whole, it was a satisfying follow-up to last week’s grand salami that was “The Spoils Of War”, but even for this season’s super fast standards, this one was so quickly paced that it was jarring me out of my Game Of Thrones rhythm (and there is a rhythm). That all getting factored in, "Eastwatch" gets a hardy "B" in my book of show grades and leaves me being the most high-strung I've ever been for an upcoming television show. Alright, enough yammering, time for some notes:

 "Oh boy....this is bad...but nothing that a little Scotts Lawn Care can't fix up!"

"Oh boy....this is bad...but nothing that a little Scotts Lawn Care can't fix up!"

  • So many mental hours and anguish did GoT obsessives slave their time over (myself included) thinking how Jaime was going to doggie paddle his way to the surface with all that heavy armor and it got solved in literally five seconds by Bronn”s “mom’s baby trapped under a car” adrenaline strength. Really pays to just wear leather.
  • After seeing what the hell that dragon did to my compatriots, you bet your Lannister ass I’d bend the knee. Cersei can go kick rocks after this shit.
  • Dickon, I liked the gusto and the whole dues ex machina you had going for Jaime last episode, but dammit if you aren’t (okay, weren’t, you’re dead now) a dumb ass bastard
  • I’m not sure exactly what inspired Jon to stand there and have that “Tim & brontosaurus" moment from Jurassic Park with the dragon, but can't help but sense a little nod to his Tarageryon-ness considering he didn’t get the “T-Rex with the lawyer on the crapper” treatment.
  • My boy Jorah is back in the Dany mix with very little fanfare? Dany - the man was just this close to death and psychotically foaming at the mouth while looking like a human version of those black snake things you burn during the Fourth of July and you treat him like he just got back from the doctor’s after a real  bad case of chicken pox? I’m surprised she didn’t just high five him. #StuckInFriendZone
  • So Jon and Jorah are in my top three favorite characters, but that little staredown foreshadowed a bad times ahead pissing contest between the two. Get along for the sake of my investment into the show, you two.
  • Okay, who the fuck is that guy with Bran now? Seriously, couldn’t he have said this “send the ravens” line to Sansa or Ayra instead of some watered-down Hodor wannabe? Am I now going to have to keep my “be wary of but give zero damns about this guy” tabs on?  So many bearded northerners.
  • Those silly maesters, so concerned with dissecting bodies and concocting vomit-inducing montages rather than worrying about the undead doing both of those to their own old, cynical asses.
  • “Haven’t given you permission to leave”, Dany? Really? It might be a moot point now, but again, this shit doesn’t matter. The undead just freaked the hell out of a flock of ravens, which in turned, freaked out a usual “void-of-emotion, void-of-fun” Bran. Time for some priority readjustment.
  • A few of these interactions in this episode (particularly Sansa & Arya) comes off a little presumptuous or telepathic on the character’s part in favor of moving  the plot along. How does Arya know what Sansa was thinking and why does Sansa out-of-nowhere perpetuate that feeling to the audience? All a little rushed if you ask me.
  • You know how soap operas suddenly replace actors on their show so their long-time characters can continue with their stories? I feel that head-shaved Gendry could be that guy for Christian Bale if Christian Bale was Nick Neumann on Young & The Restless (I’m totally okay if none of you got that reference).
  • Davos is one BAMF. Gendry is also one BAMF. Those soldiers should have stuck with the fermented crab,
  • Hey, and speaking of references, never did I think HBO would use The Wedding Singer as a basis for their ominous visuals. Arya = Adam Sandler, Little Finger = Jon Lovitz.
  • So White Walker fights give me the heeby jeebies when characters I can’t put names to die, now we’ve got a solid crew of Jon, my boy Jorah, the Hound, Tormund, BAMF Gendry, cool eye-patch guy and pretty cool hair-knot drunk guy all go out to capture one of those frosted creeps?  Based on the preview for next week, they seemingly run into a shitstorm of emasculating fear and death? I’m just going to get ahead of my own fears for next episode and say Jorah dies in horrific fashion and gets turned into a shambling corpse soldier only to be used as a plot point for Jon & Dany’s forthcoming relationship of ice & fire. I really hope I’m wrong, but there were just too many last looks from (and of) him to make me think otherwise (all some of those needed were “The Incredible Hulk” theme playing in the background and I'd have been feeling some real emotions). Compile that with him being the perfect long-standing, likable enough character for a potential moment like this to pack some real punch (and I’m not talking Hawaiian); I sense real bad times for my boy Jorah.  Please someone tell me I’m wrong. Please.

These next seven days are just going to be killer for my psyche. I’m talking above Oberon getting his melon squashed levels of killer for my nerves. I've never wanted to read production spoilers more than what I want do now. #WinterIsDefinitelyHere #GoJorahGo

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