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Relieve Your Post-Olympic Stress by Overanalyzing Why The U.S. Has So Few Medals (But Not Compared To Spain!)

Relieve Your Post-Olympic Stress by Overanalyzing Why The U.S. Has So Few Medals (But Not Compared To Spain!)

Pittsburghers everywhere are recovering from the effects of too many endorphins as we watched America lose the Winter Games to athletes who literally live in the Alps. While medal winners and their families bask in the glow of their hard-fought accomplishments, the rest of us will go on suffering in our living rooms, bars, gyms, and wherever else we still watch NBC despite the anchor commentary.

 Hey, we still got "Superstore".

Hey, we still got "Superstore".

Anyone experiencing an Olympic aftershock that mimics regular winter blues, or that even perhaps surpasses them, can take heart that at least a Pennsylvanian won a bronze! Adam Rippon let his blades speak for him in his free skate performance set to Coldplay’s “Fly On” that will give you chills no matter how many times you watch.

Snowboarding and whatever the other sports are captivated our attention for as long as we could stand to see Shaun White footage over and over and over again.

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But enough about Americans! The newly hyped Nigerian women's bobsled team was unfortunately no match for the Jamaicans—or any other team, who bested them by only one or two seconds per run. The U.S. teams came in second and fifth: maybe we can blame it on the wind, or too much P.F. Chang’s for dinner. During training of course. We know the difference between Chinese and Korean food, if not city names!

Curling was a tight race, thanks to Sweden and South Korean competitors and those funky broomlike things. On the men’s side, the USA dominated Sweden. Wait, there's a mixed doubles event too? I'm definitely watching next time.

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Biathlon athletes inspired us to remain cool under pressure. If aiming proves difficult, we’ll just stick to skiing like Marit Bjorgen. Ever wonder what she eats for breakfast? Instagram is disappointingly silent on the topic.

More good news: the Russian men's hockey team might have passed their drug test! Germans can still hope for gold after an investigation is completed a few years from now.

Governments and employers, take note of the correlation between average citizen vacation time and number of Olympic medals won. National policy needs to ramp it up if we want to see our mental health ratings improve as a result of winter athletic performance! We're still not sure what happened with France, though.

Spain, on the other hand, is surging back with their first Winter Olympic medal in twenty-six years! Regino Hernández and Javier Fernández single-handedly won the most winter medals ever for their country. Two is a wonderful number.

 Snowboarder, lumberjack, conquistador from several centuries ago, Regino is all that is man.

Snowboarder, lumberjack, conquistador from several centuries ago, Regino is all that is man.

Speaking of pairs, figure skating reruns are your best bet for beating the post-Olympic blues. I recommend starting with a few best moments and then progressing to Germany's full gold medal performance.

When you stop crying, you’ll know how beautiful life is meant to be. Like turning off the TV, it just takes a little practice.

- Simone de Bloomfield

The Keystone Cast: Episode #47 "Casual Encounters Of The Third Kind"

The Keystone Cast: Episode #47 "Casual Encounters Of The Third Kind"

Mid-Week Stand-Up: Nate Bargatze "Two Thumbs Bargatze"

Mid-Week Stand-Up: Nate Bargatze "Two Thumbs Bargatze"