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The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

Four Tone-Deaf Names The Washington Redskins Could Try On For Size

Four Tone-Deaf Names The Washington Redskins Could Try On For Size

With the recent departure of Chief Wahoo (the incredibly racist depiction of a Native American gentleman the Cleveland Indians have been shamelessly flaunting for years), we now begin the process of turning our insensitivity detectors elsewhere in the sports world. First team on the chopping block obviously, the Washington Redskins. 

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Rather than having a super rude logo, the Redskins have instead had the distinction having one of the most racist names in the history of sports. But with such a rich history, many fans will likely hate the idea of their team name being changed to something more politically correct. That's why I have decided to split the difference for the sake of those hateful people in D.C.: I have come up with several options for team names which are slightly less offensive. Let's jump in, and feel free to respond to the article with kudos, derisive comments, and suggestions. I enjoy all of them equally.


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The Washington Fat Shamers

I personally have stood in line at an Auntie Anne's Pretzels in the train station in D.C., and some of my fellow pretzel-lover brothers were really tipping the scales. Many fans miss the days of The Hogs in Washington, but I say there are still plenty of blue-ribbon sows in town to justify the new name.


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The Washington Glass Ceiling

Kind of like the Utah Jazz, in that it's more of a concept than a proper noun. With the countless businessmen in Washington collecting paychecks larger than women they work with who are more qualified and less douchey, I feel like this name could really get some traction. Heck, maybe they could even pass out copies of "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" at games on fan appreciation night to really drive home the teams commitment to the former frat boy businessmen who will only read a book if it says the word "fuck" once every paragraph and degrades all of the mothers and sisters of the world.


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The Washington Bums

This could do some good for the city. I noticed plenty of homeless people while visiting the city and we could really shine a light on the issue. What about ditching cheerleaders for dancing, old school hobos with broken top hats and handkerchiefs on sticks? 

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The Washington Sociopaths

If there is one demographic that Washington has to be the leader in, it's got to be sociopaths. Our current nightmare situation aside, let's just take a look at some of the fucking maniacs that we still honor on American currency: Andrew Jackson murdered Native Americans, Thomas Jefferson was a rapist, and George Washington may have been a cannibal. Those could make for some very interesting mascots.

Ladies, Get Over The Grammys And Start Rapping

Ladies, Get Over The Grammys And Start Rapping

Acting Legend "Mean" Gene Hackman Is A Surprising 88, But He Just Bought A Bike

Acting Legend "Mean" Gene Hackman Is A Surprising 88, But He Just Bought A Bike