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The KeysTone Statement

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Sad Single Guy Recipes: Black Friday Tortilla Pizza

Sad Single Guy Recipes: Black Friday Tortilla Pizza

Thanksgiving can really get you down if you start thinking about all the innocent birds that get murdered around this time of year for the sake of serving our self-destructive human race, but then I just think back to tracing a turkey with the palm of my hand in the third grade and all those frightful images of turkey death just go away!

I didn't go to any Thanksgiving festivities with family or friends. No, I just resigned to my own self existence, but that didn't mean I was alone! I still has the constantly crying man outside of the Sunoco to talk to. He doesn't give me any indication how he feels either way (because of the crying), but I like to believe my thoughts on politics and what I just purchased on my Starbucks app brighten his spirits.

Well with all the hub-bub about turkey, gravy and stuffing yesterday you need some carbs to put the vroom into your Black Friday zoom to get some of that mob mentality shopping done. What if you get a car key to the eye as your fighting for that last flatscreen? Don't fear, chef Dom here has an easy meal that can almost guarantee you successfully strangling a grandmother for that Xbox One S: Mamma Mia, it's tortilla pizza!

 Some may call him an Italian stereotype, but I think the Swedish Chef is one of the best Muppets.

Some may call him an Italian stereotype, but I think the Swedish Chef is one of the best Muppets.

So here's what you'll need:


Single Guy Tortilla Pizza

PREPARATION TIME: 20 Minutes

  • 2 tortilla flats (I go with the 100% whole wheat for regularity)
  • 1 baking sheet
  • 1 spoon
  • 4 tbsp of your favorite marinara sauce
  • Mozzarella cheese (also known as pizza cheese if you're a WASP)
  • Garlic powder (again, gotta watch out for Uncle Legosi!)
  • Oregano
  • Chili powder (for that south-of-the-border feel)
 Sometimes if I stare long enough, I see myself in those tortillas.

Sometimes if I stare long enough, I see myself in those tortillas.

So start with your two tortillas on preferably a larger baking sheet than the one above and make sure that your oven is pre-heated to about 400 degrees. Then spread on the sauce! I went with "Newman's Own" marinara because he was such a talent. Did you ever see Cars?

 Photo enhanced to take the depression out.

Photo enhanced to take the depression out.

To keep with the Thanksgiving lingo - time to put on the fixings! A little garlic powder, a little Italian seasoning, and throw on the mozzarella. I was too distracted with my own crying spell to remember pepperoni, but be careful, any tears that you get from self reflection could heighten your sodium intake. If you happen to feel a cry coming on, open your freezer door and stare into it for a couple minutes, the tears will freeze and the slight unease that you will get from such a sensation will hold you over until you finish the fixing fun.

PizzaFixing,jpg

Hello darkness my old friend, it's time to put your "pies" into the oven! While I waited, I put on some Perry Como "Papa Loves Mambo" and scrolled through Instagram to see all my family and friends enjoying their Thanksgiving break with loved ones. Oh, to be thought of! This caused me to black out for several minutes, but when I returned to reality, I found myself in the apartment stairwell with Sunoco's constantly crying man, who happened to not be crying, but smiling! Truly a Black Friday miracle! I cannot recall those several minutes alone with him, but by the time I had him and the glimmer in his eye forcefully removed from my property my pizza was perfectly ready to go!

Finished.jpg

Not the most filling of meals, but you're looking to ready yourself to be detached from humanity and compassion, then this is the perfect choice. Happy shopping.

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