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The KeysTone Statement

A sports, humor and entertainment blog right in the heart of Pittsburgh (and Pennsylvania).

Shem The Pen Reviews "The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature"

Shem The Pen Reviews "The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature"

All summer I've been looking forward to August 11. This was the release date for the animated film The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature. More importantly this was the scheduled delivery date for my truckload of bootleg Adderall from my guys in Ontario. Adderall is essentially low grade speed, so it only takes a few alterations to break down into a proper street drug for the college market. I add a psychedelic component to my mix, using morning glory seed extract to crystallize a form of pseudo-LSD to spice things up. I also add a hint of organic cinnamon. After all my work in the kitchen last night - dirty dishes in the sink, my chili peppers apron stained with spills and powders - I tested the concoction. Suddenly Jim Morrison came dancing through the kitchen with a parade of Indians and football mascots. It's good stuff. The kids are gonna love it.

I learned psychedelic chemistry from my days following Hall & Oates. H&O concerts were wild scenes back then, with ampitheatre parking lots full of creeps, weirdos, and soccer moms. It could get dangerously divisive too, the Darryl Hall fanatics squaring off against the Oates-heads. Of course I was an Oates-head - the lesser known, the underdog, going against the mainstream choice. But one night I had an epiphany while tripping on DMT during a parking lot "Private Eyes" drum circle: what the fuck does Oates even do? It's 80s pop music, there are no guitars, only guitar-sounding keyboards. Yet there's this Oates guy mugging in the videos with a guitar like he's somehow contributing to the music. Hall sings the songs, probably writes the songs, artistically steers the ship. But I was just foolishly following my own cultivated rebelliousness. And why were we even dividing ourselves up like that? It was about the music, and the drugs, and the soccer moms. I tried to share these revelations with the group but all I could manage was, "Duuude."

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The point is - my Hall & Oates adventures ended when I got arrested for assaulting a police officer at FM101's Lite Pop SummerFest '83. The fact that I was naked and carrying an uprooted stop sign while shouting "Hall & Oates!" was no reason for a gang of cops to charge at me like that. The New Jersey judicial system disagreed, and with my prior record I ended up spending six months in a minimum security prison.

The real point is - can we please put aside our differences and just get along? Is that so hard? Sure, we all want to assert our individuality, we all want to BE someone. Why then do we try to achieve this by latching on to a group, whether based on nationality, religion, or member of soft pop duo? Life is too short to waste it with division, hatred and violence. You're just a tiny speck on a flowing piece of fabric of the cosmos, one that will shortly be tossed into the laundry and spun into infinity. Shut up and be grateful, if not happy. Or go listen to the epic "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" > "Rich Girl" jam from 7/6/82. I was at that show, I think. Who knows? Someday it'll all make sense.

HCE Has A New Episode: Issue #7 "Catching Up"

HCE Has A New Episode: Issue #7 "Catching Up"

Linebacker U: Steelers Are Top Dog At Finding Defensive Diamonds In The Draft

Linebacker U: Steelers Are Top Dog At Finding Defensive Diamonds In The Draft