The Penguins If They Were 80s Television Show Characters
What a fantastic time the 80s were for television. All the the comedy and drama bases were covered, even more so than today's standard. Sure, we're in what's considered the "Golden Age of Television" and while we enjoy our Mad Mens, Breaking Bads and Game of Thrones, there's one piece missing to this puzzle: sitcoms. Sitcoms are all but dead. You've got your long in the tooth Big Bang Theory and a Kevin James rehash, but the television sitcom was popping in the 80s. If 80s television was the NFL, popular sitcoms would be it's 1984 draft picks - rich with talent.
Well with the Pens having 1980s Night against Minnesota on Friday, my brain started shakin' like Eddie Money with ideas (not a concussion joke).
The Pens are rich with talent, 80s television was rich with talent - drama or comedy, it doesn't matter - what players would be which characters? I decide to take a stab to find some of the team's totally radical counterparts. Here goes:
Mario Lemieux is Dr. Jason Seaver of Growing Pains
Has Le Manifique been through them growing pains or what with this franchise? Only makes sense that he's in the classic role as dad psychiatrist Alan Thicke. Lots of folks to deal with and some people come and go like homeless Leonardo DiCaprio did in season 7. Mario's the mainstay.
Crosby & Malkin are Crockett & Tubbs from Miami Vice
Trade in the black and gold for pastels and the PPG for a house boat with a pet crocodile and you have a classic duo akin to Gino and Sid. Like the Michael Mann hit, those two are the mainstays while there's a rotation of guest stars.
Phil Kessel is Ralph Hanley from The Greatest American Hero
Could this one get anymore obvious? Phil's a superhero, a teacher, a great American. Aw, hell with it, hit the music:
Jake Guentzel is Angus MacGyver from MacGyver
Forget the similar hairstyles and facial structure, Guentzel, like MacGyver, can make nothing out of something Need him to play third-line center? It might not be his best fit, but Jake will do it. He can also turn a toaster into a backpack helicopter.
Kris Letang is Michael Knight from Knightrider
Or in other words, Letang is the Hoff. You don't transition from Knightrider to Baywatch for just being Joe The Plumber (remember those simpler political times?) Well Letang can not only swoon the ladies, but he can swoon skaters from scoring opportunities. His defensive skills are his KITT, pretty much. Does that make sense? Probably not.
Bryan Rust is Thomas Sullivan Magnum from Magnum P.I.
Sure, Rust's Movember mustache may have motivated this pick, and this is 100% speculative, but I want to imagine Rusty has a closet full of Hawaiian shirts, drives a red car (doesn't have to be a Ferrari, but that'd be cool) and lives in an old author's house who happens to once be voiced by Orson Welles.
Conor Sheary is Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties
Another resemblance pick, but after doing some thorough, journalistic research on the Wikipedia, Conor and Alex both have two sisters. Conor also reads The Wall Street Journal (okay, I just made that up).
Ryan Reaves is "B.A." Baracus from The A-Team
What did the Pens sign Reaves for? To be the team's muscle, fool! Would he wear 50 pounds of gold chains like Bad Attitude? Probably not, but I could see him hoisting a nice shiny cup if he sticks around these parts.
Mike Sullivan is Sam Malone from Cheers
A coach can kind of be like a bartender, let alone a bartender that used to be a professional athlete. He's gotta make sure the whole operation is running smooth, hears all the problems and troubles of the team's familiar faces - like Sam, Sully's the guy to lean on. Plus, being from the Boston area originally, you know he tied a few on Norm style at the original Beacon Hill location.