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How to Ace Valentine's Day No Matter Your Relationship Status

How to Ace Valentine's Day No Matter Your Relationship Status

Dear Readers,

Ever try to get motivated to play Cupid or Romeo, but you just can't find the time, or the right person—or when you do, tapping into that rusty vein turns out to be more complicated than you thought? Especially now that we have social media, it's too easy to compare and feel competitively inferior with friends trying to impress that special someone. If you're like me and need some outside affirmation, here are eight ideas to guide your Valentine's plans, for any stage of romantic history.


Wear ruby red shoes that might whisk you both away to an alternate universe.

There's no place like home, but there's also no place like your fantasies. Shoes are perfect for going to the movies, if you can't stream La La Land on your phone.


Gift vodka bottles wrapped in clichés to your newly single friends.

Labels reading “Hearts are made to be broken” and “Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened” will make everyone feel better. If your friend leans a little more nihilist, you can go for a slight twist on an old romantic phrase, like “Nothing is beautiful; everything hurts.” Keeping friends close with warm spirits and polite sentiments is usually the perfect way to celebrate this occasion.


If your romantic interest likes music, nineties pop song lyrics are always applicable.

Texting YouTube clips of these just after midnight works best. Need someone to get more serious but they can't commit? “Quit playing games with my heart.” Bam! Problem solved: they got that message. Found someone better than your current boo? No need to even plan Valentine's Day, just hit one with “Baby One More Time” and the other with “Bye Bye Bye” and hope for the best. Or if you’re the one who can never let go, there’s always: “Iiiii will always loove youuuu” and “My heart will go on and on,” etc. This will have them running back to you in no time.

Rewatch P!nk’s stunning AMA performance, then heal all your romantic trauma with some new bodybuilding goals.

“We were on fire...” or at least that's what our legs have been saying since my partner and I attempted her moves on the gym wall with the TRX equipment and the trainer relegated us to the stairmasters.


Thinking of getting crafty this Valentine's Day?

Google “Pinterest Fails” first just to be sure you know what you're getting into. Then just do something with Mason jars. They’ll never see it coming.

Watch The Princess Bride and meditate on Westley’s timeless wisdom:

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” This could also be a pretty good prelude to writing poetry."



Listen to and study Jay-Z’s honesty, if that isn't sustainable.

While not all rapper relationships have that je ne sais quoi that leads to healthy choices, this one is certainly promising!

Kevin Love's modeling with his girlfriend...

Whatever her name is, might be a good fallback. Need we say more?

There you have it, inspiration for any Valentine's Day goal. Now please excuse me while I go listen to some more Whitney Houston.

Yours in love and loneliness,

Simone de Bloomfield


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